Monday, 21 January 2008

at the point of death

Hi, just wanted peoples' feedback from those that have been present when someone, especially a loved one dies.

I have had many friends say that they have watched a loved one pass away and just before they stop breathing they open their eyes, often look at them and in some cases try to say something or do say something.

I was just wondering what you guys thought might be happening? There seems to be a moment of clarity when the person knows they are about to die and attempt and sometimes succeed in saying goodbye to their relatives.

It happened to me when my husband died, all the more strange that he seemed to time it so his son wasn't present when he finally passed away. This could be a coincidence but I strongly felt that he didn't want his son to watch him die. He opened his eyes very wide and tried to say something then relaxed and stopped breathing. He hadn't done anything like this during the 2 weeks he was in hospital and had been in a deep coma the entire time. I got such a strong impression that he was saying goodbye and that it was a very lucid moment for him. Obviously this is all subjective but I would be interested in your experiences and thoughts.

Thanks

16 comments:

Jesamyn said...

Hello Johar. My name is Jesamyn and I am one of many people who did NOT see their loved one die, whilst feeling extremely sad and guilty, (most of us have said we were there a thousand times before that) it comforts me to think and believe that for any reason of the heart and soul of our loved one that they did not think we could deal with it. I am so sorry for your loss and also sorry I can not comment specifically but I am awaiting replies as you are. Very kind thoughts, Jesamyn .

zenna said...

I think it’s a lovely thing that happens in death, I don’t believe we are alone in death, something else or someone else is there helping us. A lot of people report the same thing you experienced at your husbands passing. My sister is a Macmillan nurse; she tells me some amazing things what people do and say just before they pass over.
I lost a friend from copd emphysema, she waited till she was alone to die, we sat there for hours, and when we left she died. Her signs seem to improve before she passed, that’s why we all went home. Its amazing if even in death when we are in no state to make any choices or decisions for our self’s yet we still have choices about our own death even on our death beds. Like whom we die in front of, we still think about those we might hurt by seeing us die , like your husband new it would be ok for you to be there but his son might not of coped with seeing his dad die , or maybe he just wanted it to be a special moment with you. Maybe the energy of love is more powerful on to its own then we realise.

susan marie said...

I, like Jesamyn, was not present when my husband died. I had the impression that he was waiting for us to leave (my son and I had been in his hospital room for 8 hours; he died after we left). He was only 53 and did not want to die, nor did we accept that he was dying, as he had received a non-terminal prognosis. Noone was prepared, yet looking back I do think he had some presentiment of it, and was experiencing some kind of vision. At the time I ignored the meaning. Persinger, the neuroscientist, has an essay on the negative NDE being a product of "fighting" death.

zenna said...

He was a very young age to die Susan, sorry in my last comment I assumed Jesamyn was present, I think my main point was what a nice thought we can still manage with our last breath to protect those we love somehow.
Some people do fight death and if you read anything about palliative care that is given at the end of our life it talks about helping the person to be ready for death as well as pain free so they don’t fight it, unfortunately some people don’t get this, but I do believe we all get warnings whether we choose to listen or ignore them, take lady Diana she new she was going to die , its been said and un said , that she was thought she would be killed in a car crash she thought it would be murder, but im sure it was not the case.
Never the less she did die in a car accident, Lady Diana new she was going to die. She went a little insane with her feelings of death; she did act on her feelings by having so many readings, in fact she lost it a bit with her readings when she thought she was going to die. So its not always good to know your going to die, The shame in all this is you did not have time to prepare your self, it must of come as such a shock for you and know doubt will take time to heal, I don’t think any of us get over a death, we just learn to deal with it better as time goes by in our everyday life’s.

susan marie said...

Zenna; Thank you for your comments. I know that the hospice community also has defined "the good death" as being one in which the ill person and their loved ones are all prepared. But it somehow suited our personalities, I think, that my husband and I were in denail to the very last moment. It was a shock, but it somehow was in keeping with who we were as people and as a couple. And finding Anthony's book seemed to help insulate me from the after-shocks, too. . .

zenna said...

Susan it is strange how things come into our life at the right times? Anthony’s book in your case, mine to. I’m so glad the book was called what’s it’s called, if it had been cheating the ferry man I would not have taken a second look at it. At the time the book landed on my lap so to speak, I had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and went to bed every night saying to my self, I must no what is going to happen to me when I die after thinking this every night for 2 months I finally dreamt, I would find the answers in a book. 2 days after that dream Anthony’s book came into my life with every answer I need to know. What was so frightening for me was I am very much in touch with my higher self and I new everything what was happening to me before it happened ,the only peace I had was was knowing I was not alone but as I cant see my higher self even that had its down fall. I had no understanding of it or what it all was about. In fact I was close to having a breakdown as I was looking at a death that I would be fighting against till the bitter end. I think your right, things happened to us for a reason it all depends what we are like as individuals. I had a death experience just before I got diagnosed as terminally ill, I got rushed of to Hereford hospital I was dead on arrival, they put me on a life support machine after working on me for 30 minutes, I can say that I new I was going through a death experience and I did not see no bright lights or tunnels, I just had this amazing feeling of peace, and that I was not alone and I don’t mean bed side guests. When I was on life support my partner told me that I would squeeze his hand but the doctors told him it was reflexes and there was less then 2% chance of recovery, but my partner said no it means she is going to be ok , and he fought with them to keep me on it, I lived to tell the tale.

zenna said...

not sure if i put my last comment on so here it is again just in case i did it wrong,
Susan5 it is strange how things come into our life at the right times? Anthony’s book in your case, mine to. I’m so glad the book was called what’s it’s called, if it had been cheating the ferry man I would not have taken a second look at it. At the time the book landed on my lap so to speak, I had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and went to bed every night saying to my self, I must no what is going to happen to me when I die after thinking this every night for 2 months I finally dreamt, I would find the answers in a book. 2 days after that dream Anthony’s book came into my life with every answer I need to know. What was so frightening for me was I am very much in touch with my higher self and I new everything what was happening to me before it happened ,the only peace I had was was knowing I was not alone but as I cant see my higher self even that had its down fall. I had no understanding of it or what it all was about. In fact I was close to having a breakdown as I was looking at a death that I would be fighting against till the bitter end. I think your right, things happened to us for a reason it all depends what we are like as individuals. I had a death experience just before I got diagnosed as terminally ill, I got rushed of to Hereford hospital I was dead on arrival, they put me on a life support machine after working on me for 30 minutes, I can say that I new I was going through a death experience and I did not see no bright lights or tunnels, I just had this amazing feeling of peace, and that I was not alone and I don’t mean bed side guests. When I was on life support my partner told me that I would squeeze his hand but the doctors told him it was reflexes and there was less then 2% chance of recovery, but my partner said no it means she is going to be ok , and he fought with them to keep me on it, I lived to tell the tale.

susan marie said...

ZENNA--I am very sorry to hear that you are ill. Are you receiving treatment now? My very best wishes to you, and hope all will be well. Yes, Anthony's book is a blessing; he is, too, just as the man he is. Thank you for your profound comments.

johar said...

Dear Zenna, I am sorry to hear that you are ill. I hope this book and your own awareness helps you find peace. You sound like a brave person who is willing to confront mortality and find meaning in it.

zenna said...

Dear susan , yes i live on a cocktail of drugs to keep me breathing,but other then have a lung transplant there is not much that can be done. this book did help me find peace, being ill makes me live today like its the last so i enjoy my life more now then i ever did before. thanks for the kind words. but im looking forward to death now, i cant wait to live life it again.

johar said...

BRAVO ZENNA XX

susan marie said...

ZENNA; I think you have a most brave and proper attitude, and that all will be well with you. And after all, what does Anthony's book reveal to us, if it is not this: that the Daemon is our most trustworthy friend, in death as well as in life. . .

ra from ca said...

Zenna:

I am in awe of your bravery and will keep it in mind as I struggle with my life circumstance.

Anthony Peake said...

Zenna,

I am so sorry to hear about your illness. All I can do is add my admiration at both your bravery and also your ongoing contributions to this blog.

Karen said...

Hi johar
I was present at my father-in-laws passing. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer May 2007 and passed away September 2007 in a hospice. Previous to his passing both my husband and I cared for him as he did not want to die in a hospital he wanted to die at home but, in the end a week before he passed away he was suffering and only hospice care would be able to stop that pain so he agreed to go in. What you said about your husband seemed to time his death so his son wasn't there struck a cord with me as my husband is one of eight children and his dad already told me years ago that my husband was the apple of his eye. Well, the night he passed there were 6 of us by the bed and we decided to take it in two's to sit with him in 1 hour shifts as we promised that he would not be alone when the time came. He had been given morphine injections and made comfortable, he fell asleep. At midnight it was the turn of my husband and I to sit and hold his hands, when we took our places around the bed the nurse said that she had just woke him up to give him another injection but, he was sleeping now. My husbands brother said that his dad looked at him then looked around as if he were looking for someone. We sat down with him at midnight, at 12.15 he died, it was as though he had waited for my husband and I before he passed over. I have had countless conversations with my father-in-law over the years about life after death, conspiracy theories, UFO'S, the meaning of life and all things weird and wonderful he would have loved this website!. We even made a pact that whoever went first would come back and contact the other and I can tell you with my hand on my heart that I have had several visits from my father-in-law since his death. Not in a physical body sense but, he has turned the TV off and caused the music he chose to have played at his funeral play through the TV the same thing happened with the car radio it turned itself off then played his song. I have felt him, smelt him, and heard him I cannot find a rational explanation for these experiences. If I were alone when they happened people could say that it was all in my imagination but, I have never been alone when they happen and the people who were with me got quite 'freaked'. My husband has had similar experiences and we have experienced this together. I last blogged on this site 1st December 2007 under heading 'Contact' and got some fab comments - you may want to have a read. Hope this helps you johar.
Karen x

johar said...

Thank you for your post Karen, it certainly would appear that the moment of death is not always random and those about to die do have some control and choice over the timing of their passing. That others are out there sharing these feelings, beliefs and knowledge is very comforting and inspiring, I strive to discover more. X